Everyone knows that conflict in marriage is inevitable. However, what could be the reason for conflicts in marriages?
1. Differences in personality
It is only natural for two people who grew up in different environments, different homes, different cultures, different values, and different perspectives who now decide to come together and live as one to have conflicts. Coming together to live as one means that you would have to join your different experiences in life to become one. This is not something that happens automatically and smoothly. Most couples will tell you that the toughest moments in their marriage were their first 1 or 2 years. This is simply because of the merging that was going on.
However, after sometimes, when they’ve grown to share common experiences and challenges together, and have figured out how to settle challenges together, then they will start becoming more compatible.
Those periods of trying to sort yourselves out, finding a junction where you can meet without friction is usually tough and this is where you hear that so many marriages break.
However, this period can be overcome. One of the ways to survive this period is to concentrate on the intentions of your actions. This will help you understand how the other person which is your spouse reasons and then, you will be able to conclude a better way to do things.
For instance, if a man brings home a visitor without telling his wife. He might have done that intending to just bring a friend home for the wife to see. Or, it might be that after work, someone just decided to take a ride with him and they came home together.
However, the wife might see this as disrespect and dishonor because she wasn’t pre-informed about a visitor coming to her house and her feelings on this are justified. A case like this is enough to cause conflict in the home that might end that marriage if the conflict is not handled properly because, while the wife is feeling betrayed, the man can be feeling that he just responding to an emergency and he shouldn’t be crucified for it.
If the wife decides to look at the intentions of the man which is what will make her see that he didn’t mean to disrespect or dishonor her, then, she wouldn’t be that hurt and she will be able to say this is how I feel about this, can you please just give me a call next time so that I will not be taken unawares.
On the other hand, if the man concentrates on the woman’s intentions and realize that she is not just being disrespectful but she is only trying to make sure that she is carried along if someone else will be coming to the home, he would apologize and the conflict will be resolved accordingly in no time.
Bottom line is, conflicts are inevitable, but you can overpower them by focusing on the motive and not the actions.
Another thing that causes conflicts in marriages is selfishness. The love in marriage makes you always want to sacrifice just because you want to keep seeing that smile on your partner’s face, but, the truth is that this does not last forever because we are humans and you will consciously or unconsciously express your feelings of hunger, taste, sadness, loneliness, and disappointment. Just when you decide to give yourself that attention, the other person is going to feel ignored, guilty or bad, and here comes the conflict!
The way to fix this is, to use your words, tell your partner exactly how you feel, and ask for help because when you do this, then the other person knows what to expect and how to help.
For example, say things like I feel tired, I just want to be alone, but, when you do not say exactly how you are feeling and rather start acting up, your partner out of confusion might start to act up or even begin to respond badly not knowing what you are going through. You have the right to be selfish at times by expressing your feelings and emotions, but, say it out.
3. External influences
External influence is one you should watch out for in your marriage because they are one of the major reasons for conflicts in marriages.
External influences could be your in-laws or friends. Here is how external influences cause conflicts in your home. Your friends or family members that are used to doing things with you in a particular way might come around and discover that they can no longer relate in that way or do those things again because your partner doesn’t do it in the same way as they do.
For instance, if as a man in your family, you eat lots of spicy food. When you get married and your wife doesn’t eat spicy food, this might make you stop or reduce the spice in your food. Now, when your brother visits your house and is served food without spice, two things can happen here. He might either decide to understand that another person is now in the family and that person’s (the wife) choice deserves to be respected, or, he could refuse to eat the food. Depending on how you handle this, you might end up having a serious conflict with your wife over this.
How do you handle this? Tell your brother beforehand that your wife does not like spicy food and so, therefore, you have adjusted. You could prepare extra spices for him to add to his food when he is served. This way, your wife feels respected, your brother understands his boundaries and makes his choices of whether to eat the food that way, or add spices on his own, or do not eat at all.
Conflicts in marriages are serious things that love is not enough to prevent. It’s advisable to talk about some of the common challenges you will face in marriage before it even comes up. However, these 3 major causes of conflicts in marriages have tips on how to overcome them.
Be prepared in order not to be taken unaware and attend to each conflict uniquely as it comes. Finally, victory in your marriage is attained by choosing to overcome challenges. One extra tip, it is okay to seek the help of a marriage coach or therapist if it keeps going in a cycle. You can do this!